AriesTaurusGeminiCancerLeoVirgoLibra Scorpio
SagittariusCapricornAquariusPisces

 
 An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "Christians have
 their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews
 celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur;
 Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays.
 
 But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's
 an unfair discrimination."
 
 "What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied,
 "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years."
 
 "I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When
 is this special day honoring atheists?"
 
 "April first." 

God's Billboards

Astrology Joke

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one.  You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:  Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:  Just one.  But it takes a therapist three years to help them  through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:  Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:  Er, two.  Or maybe one.  No - on second thought, make that two.  Is that okay with you?

Scorpio:  That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:  The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn:  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb?  What lightbulb?

A Conversation Between Moses and God

 "Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten
things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course,
they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent
them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate
them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell
me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to,
but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I
lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a
little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten
Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for
a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who
said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even
eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to
someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You
don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues
and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me.
Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard
on my back taking them out and reading them each day,
but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead
of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit
on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call
yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir?
I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all,
wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and
it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things
have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image
and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another
set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?